As lawyers, we know how important clear communication is in courtrooms, client meetings, and contracts. But what about communicating within your team? What happens when your words are misunderstood, not because of what you said, but how it was received?
In Episode 5 of The Speed Coach, Stephen, a criminal lawyer with five years in practice and growing leadership responsibilities, sits down with coach Lara Wentworth to explore why communication feels more complicated in leadership roles.
Like many emerging leaders in law, Stephen found himself caught in a common communication paradox: the very directness that makes lawyers effective advocates can sometimes create barriers when managing teams.
“Sometimes the struggle that I have is being able to find a balance between getting a message across in a way that I might perceive as appropriate… but then the struggle arises when that message, especially over email, is perceived very differently.”
Why communication gets lost in translation
Stephen describes himself as a direct communicator. He values clarity and efficiency. But as he’s progressed into leadership, that directness has occasionally been misinterpreted by colleagues as criticism or even aggression.
“I suppose I’m a quite direct person… and sometimes when that’s not in a face-to-face format, it comes across as more direct than it probably should be.”
Email was a particular challenge. Without tone, facial expressions, or body language, Stephen found his message wasn’t always received as intended.
Lara explained why:
“If you look at how we communicate, only 7% of our communication is the words that we choose. The rest of it is nonverbal. So it’s the way that we say what we say and it’s in our body language. And so when you’re communicating in written form, the only thing that the other person has access to are the words. And so what happens is they layer that, they layer the tone on top of that based on their own understanding or their own story or narrative about who the person messaging is.”
From communication to connection
Stephen isn’t just working through the technical aspects of messaging. He’s also navigating a deeper conflict: the tension between being the office “fun guy” and being taken seriously as a leader.
“I like to be the person who can have a laugh and increase the mood to a happier mood… but I often struggle with that and being in a leadership position as well. And sometimes they don’t necessarily mix.”
He wanted to be respected without losing what made him relatable. As Lara observed, this tension between two seemingly opposing parts of himself was creating friction in his communication.
Lara invited him to reflect on how his internal narrative was influencing his communication:
“So I’m just curious about that point. How much of your own internal story about you as a communicator, about the other person, about leadership, about this polarity between being jovial and being serious and direct — how much of that feeds into your communication, do you think?”
Stephen answered:
“I think it does, to be completely honest. I suppose in my communication style, I tend to cut people off on occasions, and so it’s not necessarily done on purpose, but I suppose I get an idea in my head and I then just let it out without probably perceiving what the other person is trying to get across.”
The integration that changes everything
To address the conflict, Lara introduced an NLP technique called “parts integration.” The goal was to reconcile the two parts of Stephen — the approachable team member and the focused leader — into one integrated identity.
“I think if they did coexist… that is what could make me a great leader, because quite often, I mean, if you look at in a sporting setting, for example, the person who is the leader — people want to follow them. They’re not the outlier. They’re often the people who are relatable, who people get along with, and they respect, and they want to progress with them,” Stephen said.
The integration wasn’t about choosing one side over the other — it was about understanding that effective leadership can hold both. Strength and approachability. Clarity and warmth.
“I think if I’m well-rounded, I’m able to be a better leader.”
Reflection for legal leaders
Stephen’s experience raises some powerful questions for anyone in a leadership role:
- Are there parts of your personality that you feel you have to hide in order to lead?
- Have you ever been misinterpreted simply because of the format in which you communicated?
- Do your internal stories about how you “should” communicate actually get in the way of being understood?
The episode also highlights a key leadership truth: If people aren’t responding the way you intended, it might be time to adjust how you communicate — not just what you say, but how you listen.
As Stephen acknowledged:
“I think if you listen better and you understand exactly what they’re trying to say, then it just becomes that little bit more easier to then be able to filter in your communication.”
The path forward
Stephen closed the session with a clear realisation:
“I see myself as a better leader. And a better communicator.”
For leaders navigating growth, responsibility, and evolving identities, that kind of insight can mark a turning point. Coaching created the space for Stephen to slow down, reflect, and reconnect with what kind of leader he wanted to be, and how he wanted to be heard.
If you’re feeling stuck between who you are and how you think you need to show up, perhaps it’s time for a reset. Not to fix something that’s broken, but to create more choice in how you lead.
🎧 Listen to the Coaching Session on The Speed Coach Podcast
Tune into “Getting Your Message Across” The Fun Leader v The Serious Results-Driven Leader on Spotify or Apple Podcasts to hear Stephen’s story and how coaching helped him shift the way he thinks about communication, leadership, and identity.Want support with your own leadership communication? Book a complimentary introductory call with Lara Wentworth, professional performance, leadership and wellness coach and former law partner.